I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize