planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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