I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
