the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm bleeding and have questions
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
