If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize