you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
