Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
