Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
