Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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