She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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