Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I just want to make out with him forever
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
