i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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