there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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