my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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