Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
