I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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