At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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