i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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