I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
