Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
