not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
