Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
