uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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