Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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