No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize