Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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