I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
