Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
