I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
