I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
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