God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
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