Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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