I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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