Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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