so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
