A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
