I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
