i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
