why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
