this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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