and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
