just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
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