It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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