I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize