i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The uberlube is also flammable
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
