You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
