your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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