My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
