When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
