My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
