I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
