im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
