if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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