I wish they made helmets for livers.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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