i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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