Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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