Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
