there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
